


If You Only Could See Me The Way I See You

by NickoW



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-06-19 17:43:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15515133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NickoW/pseuds/NickoW
Summary: Tweek has been unable to get Craig out of his head for 4 years. When he thinks he is over him, Craig always brings himself back into Tweek's mind with subtile messages.In a moment of improvisation, Kenny sets to end the stalemate his friend is in.





	1. Chapter 1

Tweek stood by his locker and looked into nothing while his entire mind was focused on Craig, the boy he never understood. It wasn’t unusual for the blond, almost white-haired boy to think of Craig, but today his thoughts were wilder and more intense than most days. He knew he didn’t have a chance on his longtime crush. Not when he was fourteen and not today, four years later. He thought his feelings would perish as he got older and that his insecurities with his own sexuality would soften up. He couldn't have been more wrong. It wasn’t entirely his fault. The dark-haired youth didn’t give him much attention. They weren’t friends and it had felt like Craig was constantly avoiding him, but there were dose moments when he got the feeling there was a chance. The few times Tweek was at parties he had sometimes ended up with Craig next to him on the sofa. At one time particular, a summer night, their naked legs had ended up touching each other. His breath had struggled to go through his throat and the world around him had turned into background noises, as his mind was busy dealing with intense feelings the contact with Craig’s skin caused him. He also remembered the drunker than usual Craig hugging him goodbye when he was about to leave. In their short huge, he heard Craig whisper, “I wished I could talk to you”. The words were told so lowly and slowly, that I seemed like he uttered them while asleep. Tweek wasn’t sure if he had imagined it, but the words never left his thoughts.

“Yo Tweek! Earth calling.” Kenny’s voice snapped him out of his daydreaming. The golden-haired boy, who had a playful grin on his face, joined him by the locker.

“So how was the sex? Is Craig the top or bot in your fantasize?” Kenny’s vulgarly way of speaking wasn’t something new to Tweek, but when it came to sex, in particular with the mentioning of Craig, it easily could get under his skin. Tweek blushed and got irritated as usual. This time his energy ran out fast. He let out a sigh, put his forehead against the locker and closed his eyes.

“Why I’m so hopeless? Why can’t I get him out of my head?”

“Don’t know, maybe because your little gay ass is desperate for his dick or something.” Tweek just rolled his eyes, even though he hadn’t expected a serious answer from him.

“Okay okay, sorry! Maybe you should stop self-loathing and do something about it!”

Tweek turned his head against Kenny whose expression was firm and his eyes were almost begging. It wasn’t the first time they had this talk.

“I can’t do anything. He isn’t gay and even if he was, he wouldn’t like me.” Tweek looked defeated as his words were blankly uttered.

“Don’t be so sure about that.” It always irritated Tweek when Kenny said that. Why give him false hopes? But it was something in the way he had said it, that made Tweek believe he might know something Tweek didn’t.

Kenny was about to say something more but got silenced by the sight of the three guys walking down the hall towards them. Tweek turned around to see what caught his attention. His eyes widened and he straightened his back as he saw Craig walking towards him. By his right side, as always, was Clyde. A shorter brunet who’s former soft body had been altered by puberty and football practice into something Tweek stared a little too long at when they were by the lake at the same time. To Craig’s left side was Token, who wore a thin purple sweatshirt and black jeans from some fancy brand on his leaner build body.

Kenny lowered his voice, “Don’t screw this.”

“What?” Tweek turned his head around and looked puzzled back at Kenny. His jaw dropped a notch and revealed his lower teeth. As he glanced down the hall again, he immediately caught the smooth face of the middle guy

Kenny stepped in front of the three guys, as they were about to pass by.

“Hi, guys what’s up?” They all stopped. Clyde frowned and was the first to speak.

“And you want what?” He crossed his arm and revealed the size of his biceps.  

“I just want to show you and Token a thing, it will be quick.” Kenny glanced at Token.

“What you want to show? And why only me and Token?” Clyde glanced at Craig who didn’t seem to be bothered of being left out from whatever Kenny wanted to show.

“You will get it when I show you.” Tweek couldn’t stop to think how goofy Kenny’s charming persona was when he tried to persuade someone.

“Just let’s see what he want to show and get over with it.” Token interrupted Clyde who resigned and told Craig to wait before they left with Kenny. 

 

The half a head taller guy looked down on the green-eyed boy who nervously tried to find something appropriate to say.

“So do you know what he wanted to show them, that I wasn’t allowed to see?” The question temporarily paused the chaos inside the smaller boy’s head.

“I guess it was that thing he talked about earlier or I actually have no idea, hehe” 

The blond wanted to slam his head against the locker because of his own stupidity. He tried his best to force him not to make a grim with his face. He had gained a slight tone of red in his otherwise pale skin. Craig raised his eyebrow at the shorter boy’s full body answer.

“Well let’s hope he doesn’t do anything stupid ” 

Tweek always felt Kenny’s reputation as a troublemaker was unfair, even if he got where all the talking was come from. He was the most caring person Tweek knew. It wasn’t shown a lot and he had this rough attitude, that he probably got from the shitty home environment he grew up in. The way he treated his sister was way different than what Tweek had seen anyone else do to his or her own siblings. Even if he made fun of Tweek on daily basis, there were always dose moments when he listened to Tweek in a way no one else did. While Kenny was an unstable person in many ways, Tweek almost never felt he had a reason not to trust him and he couldn’t imagine his life without him.

Tweek ignored Craig’s comment. It wasn’t the right time to defend Kenny.

“So how has your day been?” Tweek failed to come up with something better to say.

“Nothing special” Craig wasn’t the guy who wasted his words. Tweek twisted his neck and his knees got weaker as Craig looked down at his phone. The blond felt like he was the most boring person to ever have existed. Had he anything he could talk with Craig about? He barely knew him after all, even if they had been in the same class for five years.

“So do you think tonight will be a good time to watch the stars?” Tweek had a weak memory of hearing Craig talking about his interest in astrology. What if he wasn’t right? He shifted his sight into the ground, afraid of what the handsome guy would replay.

The question took Craig by surprise. His normally dull face looked with curiosity at the guy with messy hair in front of him. He liked the hair though, the volume together with his slender build made him look kinda like an anime character. Not like he ever told anyone that he sometimes watched anime and manga styled art. Just the thought of Cartman running around and telling everyone about it made him want to throw up.

“Why you ask?” Tweek’s right hand moved to the collar of his shirt.

“Well, I thought you were into, you know, stars, space, the universe and that kind of stuff. Maybe I just got things wrong. I usually do. I’m sorry” His voice speeded up with each word like he was on a roller coaster towards disaster.  

“I’m, just surprised you knew that. Is that a hobby of yours too?”

“Ehm, I like watching the stars, I don’t know much about the space and all, but would be fun to know more. “ It was true that he liked to lie down on the grass, gazing up at the star clothed sky. If he starred into it too long, the size and emptiness of space would overwhelm him and remind him of the inevitable infinity darkness him and everyone else had to face.

“Maybe we can watch them together someday, you can teach me about them or something.” Tweek wasn’t sure if those words had escaped from his mouth. His body tightened up and his gaze shifted left and right, looking for a way to escape.

“Mm maybe,” was all Craig could say before Clyde stormed towards them, with Token behind him. The brunet looked as he tried to crush his own teeth, while the dark-skinned guy moved his hand through the hair and sighed.

“Let’s go,” was all Clyde said as he passed by. Craig glanced at Token. “What happened?”

“Nothing. Are you coming?” Craig raised his shoulder and went off with Token, who gave Tweek a questioning glance before they left.

 

Tweek watched them leave down the corridor. Suddenly he looked into the big round eyes of Craig, who threw a glance behind his shoulder. He wondered if he was hallucinating or if it was a small smile on Craig’s lips.

“Wow Tweek, how will you be able to take his dick in your mouth if you almost faint just by him looking at you?”

Tweek snapped back from the spell which the space boy had cast on him. His shoulder dropped and he palmed his eyes. 

“It’s pointless. I’m nothing. Not cool. No muscles. No social skills. I’m just a fucking dork. He will never like me.” He dropped down on his butt and hid the face behind the knees.

“Man, stop talking shit about yourself.” Kenny sat down on his heels and sighed at the boy in front of him.

“You are kinder than everyone. You are open-minded and so funny in your own way. You look good, better than most. Sure you aren’t ripped as Clyde but you are thin and insanely cute, all the girls think so too. I bet you are 100% Craig’s type.” He looked over his shoulder to see if someone was around or about to pass by. 

“How are you even so sure Craig is gay?” Tweek’s voice was firm and he looked straight into his friend’s deep blue eyes.

“I’m not sure he is, but I’m equally not sure that he is straight” The response was as firm as Tweek's question had been. Tweek caught the hint and decided to not push the matter further. Not today at least. Instead, he just let out a long sigh.

Kenny stood up and reached out his hand for Tweek who gripped it and got dragged up on the feet as well.

“Thanks, I really appreciate all you do for me.” Kenny’s try to not smile resulted in Tweek letting out a small laugh. Kenny laid his arm on the slightly shorter boy’s shoulder and they walked out of school. Arriving at the school ground, Kenny stopped and turned towards Tweek. “Well have you not someone you should text?”

Tweek just stared at him for a few seconds, trying to get who Kenny could mean. Had I forgotten someone? Butters? Kenny just rolled his eyes.  “Are you stupid? Craig!”

“’Why? I don’t even have his phone number. He will think I am weird. Desperate, or something” Kenny stopped his rumbling with two fingers against his lips.

“Who uses SMS? Just Facebook message him. I’m gone see Stan now. Don’t disappoint me”

Tweek saw his friend's back moving away from him. He took up his phone and played with it, unsure of what he should do. He wanted to text the constant in his head, but did he have the courage? The phone slid back into his pocket. 


	2. A night under the stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here is the continuation. Like it? hate it? comment. Will probably write on the last chapter

Tweek lay on his bed and stared up empty at the white ceiling. The phone that was placed an arm's length from him started to ring. He let the hand fall on the phone and picked it up, only to see Kenny’s name on the display. He put the phone on speakers and laid it on his stomach.

“What do you want Kenny?”

“That is one way of saying hello. How are you? How did it go with Craig?” The optimism in Kenny’s voice made something in his stomach twist painfully. He closed his eyes and tried to disappear from himself, the prison of failure that his body was. Kenny’s voice ended his fruitless try. 

“It’s okay, you can do it another day.” Kenny tried to sound as positive as he could, but the disappointment couldn’t be hidden completely.

“It’s okay, I will just lie here and be miserable. Hopefully, I get some sleep”

“Is there anything I can do for you?”

“See you tomorrow.” He picked up the phone and canceled the call. He threw it in front of his feet after some internal screaming. It landed dangerously close to the edge of his bed and gave away a notification sound.

He didn’t bother looking. It was probably Kenny or some stupid app that tried to make him use it. After he had spent some time trying to sort his thoughts a feeling of guilty was nagging in him for not responding Kenny. After everything he had done, he didn’t deserve to be ignored. So he picked up his phone and stared at the screen for what felt like an eternity but was only a minute or two. It wasn’t Kenny’s name on the display. It was a Facebook message from Craig. He managed to press the wrong password two times before he unlocked the phone. He could hear his own heartbeat as he opened the messenger app.

Craig[21:12]: Hi! What are you doing?

He just stared at the words and tried to fit them into his head.

Tweek[21:25]: Hey! Nothing special, you?

The phone laid on his stomach as he closed his eyes. All he could think of was why Craig had texted him. What did he want? His fantasy was running wild, while he waited for an answer. 

Craig[21:29]: Cool! No, I don’t do much either. Do you know the hill behind the school?  I was thinking to go watch the star formations there tonight. The earth position is good as well as the weather. You said you were interested in it so I just wonder if you want to go with me?

 

After he reread the message two times, he jumped out of his bed. The smile on his face was nothing compared to the feelings who made it. At the back of his head, there was a little voice telling him it was too good to be true, that Craig was playing with him, that I will not lead to anything good and that I might as well give up. Tweek’s excitement outshined it with its force.h

 

Tweek[21:31]: Sure, sounds fun. When?

Craig[21:33]: Nice! At 22:00 by the hill. See you there

Tweek[21:35]: Great! See you.

 

As his excitement reached its peak, the rise of nervousness began. The reflection off himself in the mirror didn’t bring any positive thought to his mind. The hair was a mess and the clothes weren’t assisting his appearance in a good way. He opened the closet and inspected his options. He realized how few of his clothes he actually found good looking. Most of it was just boringly casual. He got undressed but kept his white boxer briefs that had a small grey stain on the front. White ankle socks got put on his feet’s. For pants, he chose tight sitting marine blue shorts that he folded up twice so a third of his upper legs were uncovered. A white t-shirt with the British flag printed on it was his chose for the upper body. He ran into the bathroom and examined his look. After some careful strokes with wax through his hair and two sprays of D&G perfume, he felt ready to go. He took on a pair of black sneakers of the thinner model, which was the only pair of shoes he had on his room. The previous owners of the house had been almost paranoid careful when it came to safety and had installed a fire ladder outside of Tweek’s room. He opened his window and climbed slowly down as he attempted to be as silent as possible. The nervous youth moved quickly to the front side of the house. He jumped up on the rusty old lady-bike he had gotten from his grandmother after her death.

It had once been red which was his grandma’s favorite color. Tweek had brought sixteen red roses to her funeral to represent their time together. Compared to his parents, she never made him feel awkward or like a burden. He had visited her at least once a week. They usually drank tee while his granny talked about her life and all her experiences with great humor. During his visits, there was always something on the tips of his tongue that he never let escape into the air. He wanted to tell her, tell her about the feelings and emotions that caused him so much agony, guilt, and confusion. He feared her rejection, even if she were a modern-minded person in many ways. She was still old and grew up in a different time. He wanted nothing more than telling her, but then he stood there in front of her coffin, regretting that he couldn’t open up too her as she did to him, while the tears streamed down his cheeks.  

The night was mild and still as he rushed through the neighborhood. The phone displayed 21:58, which meant he had no chance to be there at 22:00. What if Craig would leave if he didn’t show up on time? His heartbeat increased proportionally with the speed of the wheel. It wasn’t the physical performance as much as it was the mental pressure of the upcoming meeting with Craig that caused the sated of his body. Each second felt like a minute for him as he passed by Stan’s, Cartman’s and Wendy’s house before he finally arrived at the hill. Craig was nowhere to be seen, but his black bike leaned against a small tree. Tweek put is bike next to Craig’s and tried to catch his breath while he fumbled up his phone out of the pocket. He was only five minutes late and began his walk upwards. Each step felt heavier and heavier as he closed into the top of where he assumed Craig was. What would he say? What if he blew it and made a fool of himself? His thought’s almost made him turn his heels around, but a voice shattered his inner monologue.

“There you are.” Craig sat close to the edge and looked over his shoulder at the blond boy.

“Hi!”, Tweek walked up next to him, unsure if he should sit down or not, but he decided to sit. Craig wore black jeans of a skinnier model and a thin dark blue sweatshirt, which caused the blond to stare a bit too intense at him in admiration and envy of how casually good he looked.

“Everything good?” The voice was so unusual friendly for Craig.

“Yes! Yes, everything is good. How are you?” His sounded rushed as he got nervous for say something wrong. His overthinking was noticed by the calm Craig who raised an eyebrow which caused Tweek to quickly look up at the sky, while he internally cursed himself.

“I’m fine!” He laid down on his back and pointed at something the sky. “You know the name of that star?” Tweek looked at the direction of how where he pointed. He saw a bright star that was larger than most others.

“No, I have no idea”

“Really? You don’t know much then” His smile made Tweek able to ignore the comment as he felt something warm building up in his chest. He could hear his breath and heart so well as every cell in his body had its full attention on the black-haired boy.

“It’s Polaris. The star in the north. Always in the same place, why it has been used for navigating in ancient times.”

“Oh, cool!” Tweek said and also laid down on the grass clothed ground.

 

Craig continued lecturing him about all the different names of the star formations and explained the birth and death process of stars. Tweek would have found it interesting and frightening, but the words were merely diffuse sounds in his ears. Instead, he was captured by the presence of the person beside him. He had to force himself not getting caught staring at the smooth face, or drowning into Craig’s ice blue eyes, or get lost fantasizing about kissing dose narrow lips.

 

“Are you listening?” The sentence alerted all systems in his brain and he became hyper-aware of his surrounding.  

“Yes, really interesting information about the stars and the universe. Good to know something about it.” He stumbled on his word as panic tried to get a stronghold of his body. He looked down at the ground, full of guilty for not paying attention. It didn’t get better by Craig frowning in disbelief.

“Are you gay?” Tweek started into Craig’s serious face and quickly shifted his gaze around at everything but Craig. He couldn’t sit still so he stood up and moved his arms awkwardly back and forth, left and right. Why did he ask that? Was it obvious? Would he hate him? The green-eyed guy got up on his feet and was about to run away as the taller boy grabbed his arm.

“I’m gay too.” The words came out in broken parts. Tweek froze, stared out over South Park as his brain tried to fix its broken neuron network.

Craig sat down and looked at Tweek as if he was afraid he would run away, but he laid down next to him and gazed up in the sky again. The sound of a back hitting the ground trawled into his ears. Tweek tilted his head to the left. Craig’s eyes were closed but opened up as if he had sensed he was watched.

“Do you know why I have barely talked with you during all these years?” Craig asked with a low voice and gazed

Did he know? Because he was an awkward dork that no one really cared about? Why would anyone want to talk to him deliberately? If it was not for making fun off? He didn’t make up an answer before Craig continued.

“Because!” He stopped. Whatever he tried said it was hard.

“I found you attractive, like a lot. It made afraid, so avoided you and hoped I would stop being attracted to guys.” Craig's jaw was clenching lightly, and his hand briefly formed into a tense fist. He lost his words as his mind went back in time.

“Did you?” Tweek asked as neutral as he could, even if his pulse rose rapidly due to his hope the answer would be a yes.

He sighed before he took to words, “No, no I didn’t. I probably never will”.  The last words ebbed out like a silent sigh as if he accepted the fact he was gay in the same way as he accepted that one day the sun will swallow earth and all life on it.

Tweek fished up his phone from the pocket to look what the time was. He was surprised to see it was just half an hour till midnight.

“I think I need to get back home” Tweek’s words weren’t backed with confidence, as he wished to stay by Craig, but something pulled him away, his own insecurity.

“Yeahe, I guess it time” Craig got up on his feet and reached out a hand for the blond boy who grabbed it. The feeling of the hand in his hand sent a warm pulse through his body.

They walked silently down together to their bikes.

 

He turned away from Craig and jumped up on his bike. Just before he went off, a hand pulled him by the shoulder. As he turned his face around, there was no time to react before two lips landed on his own. They left before he could even grasp what had happened, but the absence of them felt like a robbery. He looked at the boy in front of him, whose eyes were inspecting the grass. “Sorry,” he said and looked up at Tweek who responded by staring into his eyes glacial colored eyes. The blond youth went off his bike that fell to the ground. In a moment of unusual courage or uncontrollable urge, their lips were once again pressed against each other. The taller one’s lips moved apart, revealing an opening into his mouth. The smaller one took notice and soon their tongues had both said yes to a passionate dance. The nervousness, the intense physical desire, and the sudden chilling wind made the green-eyed to shake. He couldn’t control it to his annoyance. Craig noticed and pulled back.

“Is it okay? We can stop” His voice was as smooth as silk and the way he looked at Tweek, as if he sincerely cared what the blond thought, made it hard for Tweek to hold back his tears.

“No, it’s fine, just a lot of emotion. It’s the first time. First time I kiss a guy” His words surprised himself. How did he dare to open up?

“It’s cool, It’s rather new to me too.” A smile bloomed on Tweek’s face as he put his arms around Craig’s shoulder and gave him a soft kiss. His lips stayed pushed against him and the force made Craig take a small step backward, only to fall on a large root. Unprepared as he was, Tweek followed down with the fall landing on Craig who landed on his back.

“Fuck,” Craig said and let out a laugh. The green-eyed sat up on his knees, shaken by the fall, but calmed down as he noticed the smile on the face beneath him.

“Are you okay?” Tweek asked worried. Craig responded, not with words, instead he grabbed Tweek’s shirt and pulled him down to a kiss, a kiss that lasted. Seconds became minutes as the previous lukewarm wind got colder. Suddenly Tweek noticed how Craig’s tongue vanished further down his mouth and his lips moved closer together. He pulled his head up and looked puzzled at the dark-haired youth. Their eyes didn’t meet. Craig stared blankly to his right before he rolled away and went up on his feet. “I’m sorry” was all he said before he quickly got up on his bike and vanished into the night. The blond boy stared after him, stared into nothing, into darkness, he stared into his own insecurities. Thoughts rushed through his mind at the speed of light, but none of them stayed. His mind remained blank while his neurons fired impulses at a frequency close to the physical limit. He got to his bike, he rode through the blocks and he got into his bed. The memory was nonexistence, as his surrounding wasn’t accepted into his brain’s chamber of attention. He looked inwards, into himself, into the sudden past. In his view he saw a handsome young man, he saw darkness, a lot of it. It was something else there, something that could sing his anxious soul to sleep.


End file.
